Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
