My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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