can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
