god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
