My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
