why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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