woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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