A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
