apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
