Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
