I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
