She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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