I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
