how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
