My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
