I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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