Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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