Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
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