Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
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he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
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You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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