got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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