He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
