Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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