I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
