I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
