Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
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Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
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I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
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