I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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