when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
