I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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