i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
