So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
