You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
i've created a new STD.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
