Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
