I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
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It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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