this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
