I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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