He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Randomize
