your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
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He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
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Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
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