Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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