she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
