We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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