We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
