Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
