I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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