i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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