Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
home. puking in laundry basket.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
