My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
