I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
