Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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