fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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