ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize