So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
