Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
We need a shit load of segways right now
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
