Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
