She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
